Stone the crows!
Originality is the hardest thing
I’ve been watching quite a few beer reviewers on YouTube recently. It all started with me wanting to find out what beer connoisseurs thought of Guinness Cold Brew Coffee Beer. There are a lot of them out there. This pretty much utter waste of my time has taught me (or at least reminded me) of two things: People like tried and tested formulas; and taste is a very individual thing.
What do I mean? Well, take the beer reviewers. They all hit the same beats in their reviews. Opening up, they normally introduce themselves and tell us which beer they are about to taste. Then they talk about where they bought it, or who supplied it. They mention the price. They talk about the brewery. They talk about similar types of beers they have tasted/reviewed in the past. Then they look at the bottle/can and read out some blurb from it. You are told the alcohol content. All of this can get quite tedious after a few times.
You then watch them pour the beer into a glass. It is moved around a little in the glass. Comments are made about the head of the beer, its colour, carbonation. Then they smell it. Carefully. They think. Then they pronounce what they can smell. With the Guinness Coffee Brew, it was… ***DRUM ROLL*** … coffee. Lots of coffee.
This is then followed by the pièce de résistance. The tasting itself. They almost all say “cheers” or “good health” before they take a sip (or a big gulp). They think for a few moments. Then they pronounce judgment. Notes of vanilla, chocolate, hints of a milky latte, you get the picture. They drink some more. They offer some more comments. After two gulps they are ready to give you their verdict. They talk a little more, then they leave you with a final score.
Many of these reviewers use the same terminology too. So for example, they call a beer that they would be happy to drink four or five pints off in one sitting “sessionable” or “crushable”. I much prefer the former adjective — if it can be called that. In many ways, the language has to be the same as they’re talking about the same product, broadly speaking. But the lack of imagination with the verdicts is also disappointing. “That is proper nice”. “That is lovely”. “That’s OK.” Etc.
However, much to my joy, one reviewer (who was sampling a different stout as it happens at the time) used the phrase “Stone the crows!” Which, if you don’t know, is a way to express incredulity, or in this case, outright joy.
I had never heard of this phrase before. My wife says she had. From what I can gather from a quick interweb search it is either an old British English expression, or something that Australians started saying a while back. If anyone knows more about the saying’s origin please do let me know.
I am grateful to the beer reviewer for his use of the phrase. And it has reminded me that I am on the search to find some original-sounding-ish metaphors/similes that I want my private detective to use in the novel I am working on The Man Who Wore Hats (working title). I want him to refer to historical events/people with a European/Polish slant. So for example, he might say something like “the waiter looked as if he had been told he had to go and tell Napoleon that it was time to retreat from Russia”.
But it’s not easy to come up with stuff that doesn’t sound forced and clumsy, as you can see from my example above. Which is why, like the food reviewers, a lot of novelists stick to tried and tested formulas for dialogue/inner thoughts and when it comes to things like metaphors, many tend to stay as well away from them as possible. I won’t go further down this rabbit hole as it opens up a whole can of worms, geddit? haha, never mind (get your coat — ed).
And in the end, whatever I do come up with, some readers may like it, some may not. That’s the nature of the beast. Haha. (You’re fired — ed).
Which is a bit like Guinness Cold Brew Coffee Beer. Some reviewers rated it, others hated it. I have to give it a second chance, it didn’t do much for me first time around.
Shout out!
(This could be a regular new section I add to my Substack)
Shout out to my main man Iain who got me a ticket for Top Gun 2! Your Aviators were epic Iain.
Progress update:
The Man Who Wore Hats (working title) is at 56,883 words.
The Gaff (my latest novella) is at 18,586 words. Almost done!
Take it easy. And thanks for reading.
Well I'll be damned! That's another phrase you could use maybe?