It’s funny how Puritanism moves throughout history. In the United States you can now smoke as much cannabis as you want, despite long-term use of the drug being linked to memory loss, depression, aggression (believe it or not), paranoia, hallucinations, and even schizophrenia. A 100 years ago you couldn’t legally buy an ice cold Coors Lite in any state (not sure that beer existed then — Ed).
Over here in the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland cannabis use is still illegal, but pretty much no one gets arrested for smoking it or possessing small amounts of hashish. Walk down any city streets for long enough and you’ll get high just from the secondhand pot smoke.
Despite this (in practice) lax attitude towards stopping its citizens from smoking ganja, the UK’s Marxist nanny state has decided to try and crack down even further on tobacco — in England, at least — with a new proposed smoking ban. I imagine the Scottish and Welsh ultra-hardcore extreme Marxist governments will soon jump on this bandwagon and instruct police snipers to shoot any smokers on sight. The Northern Irish could do anything. Heck, they might start building mass indoor tobacco plantations for all we know.
Reports say that if the draft legislation is rubber-stamped into law in England, then the country will have some of the strictest smoking laws on the planet.
The plan is to phase in a full ban by raising the legal age that someone can buy cigarettes by one year, every year. From the off, those who are 14 and under will never be able to buy cigarettes (or loose tobacco or cigars or vapes presumably) legally again. After that, the age at which you can buy tobacco will increase from 2026, or something like that. So I’m OK Derrick (who? — Ed). Because the law ain’t got time to catch me. READERS — SEND ME YOUR FINEST CUBAN HALF CORONAS. AND YOUR BITCOINS. AND YOUR DOGECOINS. AND YOUR SPARE CAR PARTS.
DID YOU KNOW THAT ALBERT PONIATOWSKI (THE PROTAGONIST IN THE FRAGMENT FROM THE SHROUD) SMOKES HALF CORONAS DERRICK? NO! YOU DON’T! BECAUSE YOU HAVEN’T READ IT!
Anyway, some half-witted government Minister or technocrat said that the ban was a great way to prevent tens of thousands of premature deaths, or words to that effect. This would be hilarious in itself, if it wasn’t so tragic, considering that the UK’s Marxist nanny state clearly loves death, murder and mayhem — when it is on its own terms — both at home and abroad.
OI! BY THE WAY… DID YOU KNOW THAT THE NARRATOR AND MAIN CHARACTER IN MY URBAN NOIR MASTERPIECE, REDEMPTIO, SMUGGLES CIGARETTES IN FROM POLAND INTO THE UK?!!?!?! HEY, DERRICK?!?!?! NO! YOU DON’T! BECAUSE YOU HAVEN’T READ IT! GET YOUR FINGER OUT DERRICK! DO IT FOR THE KIDS!!!!!!! (When will you tell us who Derrick is? — Ed)
BUT NOT ALL IS LOST. Our communist technocratic overlords have actually done us all a favour. Yes. They have done so by striking a blow to the very heart of paganism with this proposed ban. This may be due to a deliberate ploy by some secret agent within government, meaning that this ban is all smoke and mirrors, if you’ll pardon the pun (we won’t — Ed), or a simple unintended consequence. But the origin of this attack is unimportant.
Tobacco, according to the Britannia Encyclopedia, was used by Native American tribes in the performance of rituals that helped them “contact” spiritual entities — a questionable thing to do at the best of times, to say the least. “Tobacco was seen by Native Americans as a means for providing communication with the supernatural world through the medium of the shaman, for either medicinal or spiritual purposes,” explains the Britannia Encyclopedia.
This sounds EXTREMELY sketchy to me.
“In many groups tobacco was given as an offering to the gods, and in some groups, in particular among the Maya, tobacco was itself deified as a divine plant. Tobacco was also linked to the fertility both of the land and of women, and it was used in initiation ceremonies for boys entering manhood. Most famously, tobacco was used in the calumet ritual, when agreements and obligations would be made binding with the passing of the ritual pipe (the calumet, or sacred pipe).”
Again, all HIGHLY sketchy.
And according to Wikipedia (not very reliable I know, but it will do for the purposes of this sublime Substack post): “The Aztec goddess Cihuacoahuatl had a body consisting of tobacco, and the priests that performed human sacrifices wore tobacco gourds as symbols of divinity.”
This is WAY BEYOND sketchy. AND I KNOW WHAT YOU’RE THINKING. WHAT THE HECK IS A GOURD?!?!?! I HAVE NO IDEA. AS USUAL, GOOGLE IS ABOUT AS HELPFUL AS A CHAIN-SMOKING FOOD TASTER WHEN IT COMES TO THESE THINGS.
As a result of my in-depth “research” into this matter, I am deeply traumatised, knowing the intimate connection this drug has to such evil, depraved pagan religious practices (what? — Ed).
I will be writing to my local parliamentary representative demanding FULL-SCALE reparations from our communist technocratic overlords for ever allowing me to to be exposed to tobacco (what?— Ed).
At least, despite all this mental suffering, there is some comfort to be drawn from this proposed ban, should it become law. By 2124 (or whatever year it will be when the last living person who can still legally buy tobacco drops dead) no English lady or gentleman will ever have to smell or inhale tobacco smoke again, thereby finally breaking the terrible historic link between tobacco and these horrendous pagan rituals.
For that, we should all be eternally grateful.
Progress report:
The Anchorite, my latest novella, has had its first edits. I am priming myself for another proofread.
I have not started writing my next novel as I don’t know which idea to go with. It will either be another Albert Poniatowksi tale, or the follow up to The Dojang and Redemptio, where Piotr and Prez team up as a private security outfit.